Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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