did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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