I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
