PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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