It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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