After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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