Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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