so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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