Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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