he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
