Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
