I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
