i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
