Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
