We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we made out on top of his cat.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
