I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
