i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
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How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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