You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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