He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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