Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
