he thought i was a dude.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
