Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me