woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.