i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
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as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.