Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Can Purell be used as lube?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
