You really coming over, don't trick.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
