We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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