one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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