my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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