peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
