I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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