hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
