Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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