Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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