my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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