So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
