i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
