Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
