then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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