The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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