he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
