he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
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I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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