Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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