The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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