i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
