I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize