this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
