Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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