even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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