I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why did my mother make you get naked?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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