I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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