I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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