dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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