Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
